South America at the Social

Oz Morris: Please welcome your adjunct professor, Dane Allred

Dane Allred:  Thank you.  I warned these two that we were going to do stand-up, but I didn’t think they knew they were going to be held hostage.

How long you been married?

Husband: Uh, twenty-seven years.

Dane Allred: Whoo!  It is eternal, isn’t it?  Feels like an eternity?  Thumbs up!  I’ve been married for 46 years.  Talk to me in twenty years.  How did you guys meet?

Husband: In Miami.

Dane Allred: And you’re from South America?

Wife: Yes.

Dane Allred: So, do you make fun of the North Americans?  Like if somebody says “Are you from South America?” and you say, “Yeah, the good America.  Not Central America.  I’m sorry.  The better America?  I’m going to get beat up on the way out of here.

I teach at BYU (Brigham Young University).  Everybody likes to talk about this.  I’m just like, yeah, yeah, yeah, I’ve taught there twenty-five years, but I shouldn’t, ‘cause I always have a beard, and I mean look at this (Dane in shorts).  Wouldn’t you be disappointed you paid tuition?  I mean, like, “I want a refund”. 

And this is Oz’s favorite joke. I start teaching next Thursday, so I’m going to have to start wearing my garments again. So, I can’t, uh, I should show up in shorts one time, don’t you think?  No?

It’s sad not being the oldest guy in the room.  Isn’t being a boomer fun?  Some of these guys will never be that old.  No, how old do you think I am?  Who thinks 40’s?  50’s?  I am 65.  Comedy keeps you young.  Just look at Willy Juan.  No, he’s twenty-three.  I think I’ve met you’re first ex-wife.

Willy Juan:  I feel for you.

Dane Allred:  Her OnlyFans page.  Trailer mom.

Willy Juan:  That’s the one.

Dane Allred:  So, how was, what was the date in Miami?  You were just looking for love, and there she was?

Husband: No, she got in a car wreck and broke her jaw, and they sent me to the hospital to give her a blessing.  And I just kept coming back.

Dane Allred:  And that’s the way it started.  And he told me earlier, he’s like “I wish I wouldn’t have fixed her jaw.”  Isn’t it sad how all these men are so mean to women?  But really all they want is a woman, but that’s why they do stand-up.

Wife:  They want to lose her, right?

Dane Allred: Yes!  And see, these guys right here, have not seen the girl that’s sitting over there.  But when you do, it’s over, man.

Husband: Are there no women in stand-up?

Dane Allred:  Not usually.  Some.  Ellen Degeneres.  Who else can you guys think of?

Comedians:  Whitney Cummings.  Taylor Tomlinson.

Dane Allred:  All those famous women that they just mentioned.

Husband:  I mean here, though?

Dane Allred:  Some. Julia Waterman hosts one.  What are you shaking your head “No” for?  I gotta tell you the most disturbing image tonight was…uh…

I love Howie Feels’ name.  Don’t you love that name?  Howie always knows how he feels.

And I can’t repeat it, but I looked back there’s Willy Juan doing something obscene, and I’m like “That’s not nice, Willy!”  And then I realized what he was doing.  So, ask him later, I can’t say it in front of mixed company.  So…

Dane laughing.

And what he’s doing now isn’t appropriate, so you’re lucky your sitting in front of him.

I am old.  I sat behind Jesus in the second grade.  He was always getting a hundred percent.  I think he was getting outside help, yeah?

Shouldn’t I have copied him?  Should I have copied Jesus?

He would have forgiven me, right?  Or else that’s all for nothing.

No, I’m older than that.  Speaking of Moses, Moses was my locker partner.

So, congratulations, and thank you again for staying here as our hostages, and I’m Dane Allred, you guys have a great night.

More at daneallred.com