Car Wash Part One

Dane Allred’s World of Hurt

Car Wash part one

My oldest daughter was married in my back yard. Preparing for the wedding was when the infamous spading incident happened. Everything went well at the wedding, but one of my cars sat unused for a couple of months. One of my favorite cars, the Mazda was still around at this time, but the battery was completely dead and it hadn't been running all summer. During the school year we usually need two cars, but summer is a different matter, and the pile of grey metal just sat in the driveway waiting for me to replace the battery. A few days after the wedding, I decided it was time to get the car going since fall semester was quickly approaching. I talked Debbie into pulling me around the parking lot with a rope tied to the Tracker, and after a bit the engine kicked in and seemed to be running fine. I went up to Debbie and told her I was going to charge up the battery by driving the car over to Provo and back, and disconnected the rope and went on my way hoping the battery was recharging.

The car was running fine, even after sitting for more than a month without being used. It was terribly dirty from summer storms and swirling dirt, so as I filled the tank I noticed the gas station also offered car washes. I filled the tank without turning off the engine for fear it would die and wouldn't start again. I kept looking at the sign that said to turn off your car before fueling and wondered if I was super-flammable or just regularly-flammable. But the car wash distracted me and I decided to get a car wash while I was there.

I hadn't turned the car off and figured I could keep it running in the car wash and then just drive it home. From the reading on the battery gauge I wasn't convinced the battery was recharging and I didn't want to get stuck somewhere where I couldn't get pull-started again. But I decided on the car wash anyway. What could happen?

I pulled in and as soon as I settled into the slot for the front tire I let the clutch out. Habit. The car promptly died. I winced and I tried to start the car again as the car wash started up. The battery was completely dead and only a new battery would solve the problem. I decided to make the best of the situation and just sit and enjoy the carwash, determining to push the car out of the bay after the wash was done. I looked behind me and was glad to see there was no one waiting for the bay that would see me pushing out my sopping wet car.

I took my foot off the brake and tried to relax. Perhaps I could get a battery at the local Kmart which was only two blocks away. But then the car wash stopped and I was faced with the prospect of pushing a wet car over the sensor.

I got out of the car and noticed that the giant brushes which wash the side of the car were aligned just at the back of the car. I didn't think much of that, but instead jammed my body into the crack of the partially opened door and heaved. The car went forward a few inches back up onto the sensor.

The car wash started up again. The six-foot foam brushes started spinning in circles just behind me, and thoroughly soaked me with their water spray. As I started to hop back into the car, I was whipped several times by the wet, foamy, soapy tentacles of the beast. It was like being beaten with a giant mop.

As I soaked slowly in the driver's seat, I realized what had happened. I had been parked on top of the sensor and when I took my foot off the brake, the car rolled back off the sensing pad and stopped the wash to avoid damage to the equipment. The car wash designers didn't want cars backing up into their expensive machinery while the wash was going.

I felt like an idiot. Plus, it really took quite a bit of effort to get the car just back up onto the sensor. As I sat and waited for the wash to finish, I cursed my stupidity and was also thankful for my luck. I could have been severely injured by the moving parts of the machinery, but my guardian angel was simply laughing at the wet guy sitting in the car.

Seriously, I wonder at times just how I have survived these many accidents. Stupidity may be the key.

You may think this story is at an end, but in Part Two, I’ll get the final rinse.

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