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LITERATURE OUT LOUD

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That melodic tune must mean it’s time for another episode of philosophy by Markus Tenacious Noggin.

"Mark my word", said my momma. "That boy has one long-stickin' unsightliness."

hat might be why she named me Markus Tenacious Noggin.

MT Noggin at yer service.

Cookie Conspiracy

It's a mystery to me why this country allows such a blatant disregard for American health. Tiny bands of little terrorists marching around making the citizens of the United States dangerously obese.

The number one killer in the US of A is heart disease, also caused by those little monsters in official uniforms, as they spread this deadly contagion from sea to shining sea.

You may have already be a victim of this pernicious plot, and in fact, this serious threat to our way of life is so engrained in our American culture that you may be considered unpatriotic if you are not participating.

MT, you may be sayin', what are you goin' on about now? Communism is dead, well, except in China, and North Korea, and Venezuela, and except in Cuba. But that Soviet Union threat, that has definitely been eradicated. Sorta. Until you look real close at Putin.

But the threat I'm talkin' about comes from our very own. not from another country, but from our own flesh and blood.

What's up my craw, you may be askin'? Well, the next time you get yerself one of those thin mints in between your teeth, you may want to stop and think.

Why are the Girl Scouts of America bent on the destruction of this great country? You know you've been eatin' those Samoans, those Tagalongs, and those tasty, tasty Thin Mints.

Well, hold on to yer hats, 'cause after a thorough investigation, I am sad to report today that the Girls Scouts are trying to kill us. I read through those mandatory statements now included on every box, those messages to us about how destructive what we eat really is.

Did you know four Thin Mints is twenty-five percent of yer daily requirement of fat? That means you can depend on yer complete fat intake for the day if you eat sixteen of them. And did you know there are thirty or so in a box?

Now admit it. You have eaten a whole box of thin mints in one sitting. I'm man enough to admit I've done it. Now, it wasn't the proudest moment in my life, but that very day I ate enough fat from one box to meet my daily fat intake for two days. Good with a tall glass of milk.

But I digress. When these little uniformed menaces to our country knock on your door, there is no way any real American can say no without being suspect.

What do you mean you don't support the Girl Scouts? Well then, you probably don't like apple pie, which I will admit I'm not supposed to eat. Yer probably one of those people who hate the American flag, and throw it away in the trash every time it's printed in yer newspaper.

You probably even hate yer mother. But that's something you should probably discuss with a certified mental health provider.

What I'm yakkin' on about is those deadly little round treats peddled to the entire USA, with the sole intent of gettin' us fat and happy so we relax until it's too late.

I guess there is one thing to be grateful about. This national tragedy happens only once a year. One time every spring the collective nation puts on four or five pounds a piece, which realistically should put the earth out of balance and cause the world to explode.

But that's a topic for another program.

What are we going to do about it? Eat fewer cookies? Turn away the Girl Scouts? I don’t think so, but do I have good news.

Facing criticism from fat critics, the Girl Scouts have developed a lower fat cookie for those unable to resist.

These new lemon delicacies should help those truly addicted to cut back in reasonable amounts. Like down to a box a day.

The other good news is eventually they are all eaten, and you don't have to fret no more. Stay strong though the rest of March, and the worst of it should be over.

Or you could eat the lemon cookies.

Course, I won't be eatin' them. They look like cardboard.

Now pass me one of them peanut butter chocolate missiles of death.

Next week, I be rantin' and ravin' about all the time I wasted in my youth watchin' TV, when I could have waited until now to watch "Leave it to Beaver"on Hulu.

Either that or why it gives me such great satisfaction to hear another radio station playing the top forty by Casey Kasum from some random year in the seventies.

Now that's some good music.

Mares eat oats

And does eat oats

And little lambs eat ivy

A kid’ll eat ivy too

Wouldn’t you?

Jist remember, you heard it here first from MT Noggin.

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