Episodes
Sunday Feb 13, 2011
Ultimatum
Sunday Feb 13, 2011
Sunday Feb 13, 2011
Bright Space
by Dane Allred
Ultimatum
We were given a challenge.
We thought we knew all there was to know.
We were content in the Bright Space.
But then we discovered there was more to know.
The only way to know all there was to know was to come here.
Alone and apart from all we knew there.
We would have to leave each other
And the comfort we knew in the Bright Space.
Apart we would be able to experience what we could not experience together.
We were given an ultimatum.
Stay together, peaceful, content, happy in our ignorance,
Or leave that place for the unknown.
To stay or leave.
When given a choice to try something new, to go to the unknown
Not knowing what we would face, if there would be happiness
Waiting for us, or disappointment.
Without assurances, without a guarantee,
We went bravely into our future
Hoping to find out what we could do,
What we could learn.
When we face those same kinds of decisions today,
We experience the doubt we felt back then.
The fear of the unknown sometimes keeps us in the safe place.
The place we know
The place we have always known.
That fear keeps us waiting, undecisive, unable to explore
What could be
What might be
What we might find in our future.
But as we bravely face our future,
Much like we faced the decision to come here
And do all we were meant to do
To accomplish all we were meant to accomplish
We can look to our past decisions to help us know
What to do tomorrow.
When we step one step into that future,
We will find those same friends we knew there.
We will feel the connection, and together, we will be able to
Learn all there is to know,
And be together again.
But this time we will have learned all there is to know
Because we accepted the challenge.
The peace, happiness and joy we knew there will be ours again.
LITERATURE OUT LOUD
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Ultimatums
Sunday Feb 13, 2011
Sunday Feb 13, 2011
Ultimatums
by Dane Allred
Be careful when you issue a threat,
It will come back and bite you, I bet.
Scowling and fuming
Those threats can be dooming
If you can’t follow through on it yet.
LITERATURE OUT LOUD
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LITERATURE OUT LOUD -- see and hear great literature Audio narrations with synchronized visual text
The Complete Collection of
SHAKESPEARE'S SONNETS
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Click on the player to hear an audio version of this piece UltimatumsTuesday Feb 08, 2011
Dental Hi-Jinks
Tuesday Feb 08, 2011
Tuesday Feb 08, 2011
Go to Abundance for more selections by Dane Allred, including other episodes from Rules of Engagement, plus lots more!!
Dane Allred’s Rules of Engagement
DENTAL HI-JINKS
I'm not really sure why I believe the story I always tell everyone about why I have the world's worst teeth. It's not that my mouth is disfigured or that they are all rotting away in my head, but I doubt there is a tooth in my head that has not had dental work done on it. The story I always tell is that when I was weaned my mother gave a bottle of Coke to suck on instead. I can never remember there not being Coca-Cola in the house as I was growing up, and all that was asked of me is that I not drink too much. I seriously think I had at least 16 ounces a day my entire childhood, but it was probably just a drink or two from the open bottle in the refrigerator every day.
I had so many decaying teeth growing up that the dentist must have scheduled regular appointments for me every three months. At least that's what it felt like. And to top things off, I learned at an early age the incredible pain associated with root canals. I think I had my first one at eight or nine, but it couldn't have been any later than ten or eleven.
One of the strange things about having root canals early and often is that I did get a fair amount of tolerance to pain, which may explain the rest of these experiences. It's not that I've ever intentionally hurt myself or even wanted to, but for some reason, into each life a little pain must fall. For those of you who have had none, I think I have received whatever you missed.
The dentist's office even has a particular smell that I have always associated with pain, and I have to force myself to relax whenever I sniff that scent of numbing agent. Even just walking past a dentist's office in a business complex can make my body start to tense up. So I have learned many techniques for coping with the drill and the needle. Of course, I have already told the dentist and you that I can't see the needle coming toward me or we are going to have problems. But once I get into that peaceful place where I have convinced myself that this too will end, if I but endure, then I can sit back and make fun of myself and my petty complaints.
With literally dozens of cavities filled and many root canals, there is not really one episode of pain that stands out in my mind. But one experience with a root canal did convince me that using gas for these procedures is probably not the best idea for me.
I was in Spanish Fork one summer and needed some emergency (can you need emergency root canals?) root work done. Once the dentist saw what kind of a mélange of filled cavities and former root canals he was facing, he turned to his favorite tools for managing pain - laughing gas. Nitrous Oxide. It was really like a scene from "Little Shop of Horrors", and believe me, you really do feel like laughing.
Here I was about to have the root scraped out of my tooth with tiny rat-tail rasps which looked like wire. If you have ever had toothache pain associated with a bad cavity which is near the root, you know what I'm talking about. There is no more focusing and sharp pain which goes immediately to your brain than root canal digging. And you are talking to someone who is very closely associated with many, many different types of pain. This is the kind that makes you stand straight up from a prone position.
The great thing about gas is that you can reach a point where you really don't care what is going on, and you are only vaguely aware of someone playing around with your mouth, but you don't much care about that either. I hope the next part is not the typical experience with nitrous oxide, but it was enough to scare me out of having gas ever again.
I think the dentist may have used a bit too much gas on me, because I actually had an out-of-body experience while sitting in the dentist's chair. I didn't see a bright light or a tunnel or any of my dead relatives, but I did see a strange situation taking place in front of me. It seemed like there were two people wrangling for space around a third person, and they seemed very interested in getting their hands as far down the throat of that third person as they could. It made me laugh because it looked so comical. Here were two adults struggling over some poor kid. I laughed to myself again and was thankful that it wasn't me sitting in that chair.
And then I noticed that I had a very strange perspective on the whole affair. I seemed to be floating in the corner of this room looking down at these Three Stooges. It was strange to be looking down on the scene, and I understood what it must be like to be eight feet tall and be looking down on the entire population.
Then slowly, ever so slowly, the realization dawned on me that it was me sitting in that chair, and that the dentist and his nurse were trying their best to pull the root out my tooth, apparently by reaching into my mouth all the way down to my ankles. I was seeing myself being worked on, and the best (worst?) part of all is that I didn't care. They could have dismembered me and I would have watched calmly, wondering how that poor devil, I mean me, could stand the pain.
I have never had gas again for a tooth, and because of the experience, I am trying my very hardest to stay out of the hospital and face that anesthesia again. You won't think this is true as you read the rest of my mostly self-inflicted aches and pains.
One of the truly delightful things about having rotting teeth is that you develop and special skill called eating on one side of your mouth. I didn't realize I had been doing this my whole life until I grew up and actually got control of the cavity situation. All you have to do is find a comfortable place to chew in your mouth. If one side hurts, just eat on the other side. I got so good at eating on one side of my mouth that sometimes people would comment on the wad in the side of my mouth, and I would just shrug and tell them I had a toothache on the other side. There was always more room for food, and even though I must have resembled some kind of half-chipmunk, I was content to endure the pain until it was absolutely necessary to get it fixed.
I was so fearful of the dentist and his collection of needles as I was growing up that I would let teeth get abscessed before I would admit to the pain.
What this meant at the dentist's office was much more pain than I really needed to endure - if I had taken care of it earlier it probably would have just been another filling. When I waited this long there were abscesses and root canals, which involve taking small files and scraping out what is left of the root of your tooth. Very painful indeed.
Did I already say I think I have had nine or ten root canals? I think I covered that already.
I still get cavities today. A lifetime of sweets is hard to kick. But I do go to the dentist faster now, and if there is any pain in my mouth I get it taken care of right away. I can actually eat on either side of my mouth whenever I feel like it - and I don't have to worry about eating on the wrong side.
Perhaps some of my relatives have the correct answer to dental pain. Just get all of your teeth pulled and get dentures. Then all you have to worry about is where you left your teeth the night before.
LITERATURE OUT LOUD
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SHAKESPEARE'S SONNETS
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Click on the player to hear an audio version of this piece Dental Hi-JinksMonday Feb 07, 2011
Tension
Monday Feb 07, 2011
Monday Feb 07, 2011
Go to Abundance for more selections by Dane Allred, including other episodes from Bright Space, plus lots more!!
Tension
by Dane Allred
What is that tension between you and I?
The separateness we feel
Knowing we are alone in this world
And though you seem to be someone else who is struggling to find your way
It really feels like we are by ourselves,
Peering down the road without knowing what is ahead
But stepping forward a little each day.
But if we really pay attention to that other someone
Who shares this space with us right now,
We can see they are more like us than different.
Then the feeling of knowing, familiarity,
A comfortableness with each other can happen
When we stop to ignore the outer shell of insecurity
We all carry about with us.
When that barrier is broken
The scales fall from our eyes
We see each other for what we really are.
We are the same,
And we were together before in that Bright Space
Wondering how we could learn more,
Do more,
Experience more than when we were at one.
When we decided to become individuals
A separate person apart from each other
Unable to share all that could be known,
All that ever was and all that every will be,
We knew there would be a feeling of being alone and apart.
We would feel unknown, and see others as unknowing,
Loneliness, pain and suffering would accompany our journey,
And we would forget all that we had learned,
So we could learn more here and now.
But we are all fellow travelers in search
Of all that can be learned as we follow our individual paths.
We are the universe, trying to find out all that can be known,
All that can be experienced
Both by ourselves
And when we break down the walls
All that can be accomplished and learned when we work with others.
Striving each day to learn,
So that when we return to that Bright Space,
We will revel in the progress we have made,
Searching all by ourselves,
But never really being alone.
LITERATURE OUT LOUD
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The Complete Collection of
SHAKESPEARE'S SONNETS
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Click on the player to hear an audio version of this piece TensionSunday Feb 06, 2011
Arnold Schwarzenegger on Character Central
Sunday Feb 06, 2011
Sunday Feb 06, 2011
Character Central
Leo
Character Central, Leo speakin’.
Dane
Could I speak with Arnold Swarzenegger please?
Leo
You want the Terminator, the Ice Man, the Running Man and former governor of “Kalifornia”? I just love the way he says that.
Dane
Yes, and could we put this on the Bill Gates credit card?
Leo
Is dis Dane Allred again?
Dane
How did you know?
Leo
The Bill Gates card. You know I’m gonna get into trouble someday ‘cause you keep using dis ting.
Dane
Has he called and complained?
Leo
Not yet. But I expect a visit any day from VISA. Hey, it worked again. Here’s Arnold.
Dane
Arnold Swarzenegger? Former Mr. Universe and governor of California?
Arnold
I just use my muscles as a conversation piece, like someone walking a cheetah down 42nd Street.
Dane
That’s a great image. But body-building is how you started your career, isn’t it?
Arnold
I knew I was a winner back in the late sixties. I knew I was destined for great things. People will say that kind of thinking is totally immodest. I agree. Modesty is not a word that applies to me in any way - I hope it never will.
Dane
Yes, no one would accuse you of being modest. Do you still train?
Arnold
Training gives us an outlet for suppressed energies created by stress and thus tones the spirit just as exercise conditions the body.
Dane
It’s a lifetime approach?
Arnold
Bodybuilding is much like any other sport. To be successful, you must dedicate yourself 100% to your training, diet and mental approach.
Dane
Total dedication in mind and body?
Arnold
The mind is the limit. As long as the mind can envision the fact that you can do something, you can do it, as long as you really believe 100 percent.
Dane
You are a strong man with strong beliefs.
Arnold
Strength does not come from winning. Your struggles develop your strengths. When you go through hardships and decide not to surrender, that is strength.
Dane
That’s a philosophy which has worked well for you in your other endeavors.
Arnold
The success I have achieved in bodybuilding, motion pictures, and business would not have been possible without the generosity of the American people and the freedom here to pursue your dreams.
Dane
You have accomplished so much. Did you see yourself going so far in life?
Arnold
What we face may look insurmountable. But I learned something from all those years of training and competing. I learned something from all those sets and reps when I didn't think I could lift another ounce of weight. What I learned is that we are always stronger than we know.
Dane
So when you thought about what you could accomplish early on, did you have a guiding direction?
Arnold
Start wide, expand further, and never look back.
Dane
And if people resist your ideas?
Arnold
The resistance that you fight physically in the gym and the resistance that you fight in life can only build a strong character.
Dane
So you aren’t just a muscle-bound body?
Arnold
I know a lot of athletes and models are written off as just bodies. I never felt used for my body.
Dane
People may be able to tell you’re not from around here.
Arnold
I still speak with a slight accent.
Dane
But you have become a great proponent of the opportunities in the U.S.?
Arnold
I was born in Europe... and I've traveled all over the world. I can tell you that there is no place, no country, that is more compassionate, more generous, more accepting, and more welcoming than the United States of America.
Dane
And you became a naturalized citizen?
Arnold
As long as I live, I will never forget that day when I raised my hand and took the oath of citizenship. Do you know how proud I was? I was so proud that I walked around with an American flag around my shoulders all day long.
Dane
You really do love America.
Arnold
As you know, I'm an immigrant. I came over here as an immigrant, and what gave me the opportunities, what made me to be here today, is the open arms of Americans. I have been received. I have been adopted by America.
Dane
So much that some people are trying to change the constitution so you could run for President.
Arnold
Everything I have, my career, my success, my family, I owe to America.
Dane
You really are an American inspiration.
Arnold
No matter the nationality, no matter the religion, no matter the ethnic background, America brings out the best in people.
Dane
Any plans, now that you’re not Governor any more, for relaxation, or maybe retirement?
Arnold
I welcome and seek your ideas, but do not bring me small ideas; bring me big ideas to match our future.
Dane
Sorry, I didn’t mean to present small ideas. Could we talk about your movies for a moment?
Arnold
My friend James Cameron and I made three films together - True Lies, The Terminator and Terminator 2. Of course, that was during his early, low-budget, art-house period.
Dane
But you have made so many other films. What would you say is your work ethic?
Arnold
You can scream at me, call me for a shoot at midnight, keep me waiting for hours - as long as what ends up on the screen is perfect.
Dane
But there really is only one Arnold Swarzanegger.
Arnold
The worst thing I can be is the same as everybody else. I hate that.
Dane
Your favorite actress you’ve played opposite?
Arnold
I have a love interest in every one of my films: a gun.
Dane
Very diplomatic. Any adventures from movies sets you want to share?
Arnold
I have inhaled, exhaled everything.
Dane
That does cover quite a bit.
Arnold
Maria is the best reason to come home.
Dane
Yes, your beautiful and talented wife. Any political fights in the family?
Arnold
Political courage is not political suicide.
Dane
So you make it work.
Arnold
Failure is not an option. Everyone has to succeed.
Dane
And you have been incredibly successful. Has money changed your life?
Arnold
Money doesn't make you happy. I now have $50 million but I was just as happy when I had $48 million.
Dane
Hard to keep track of all the wealth?
Arnold
If it's hard to remember, it'll be difficult to forget.
Dane
So do you have plans you’d like to share about your future?
Arnold
For me life is continuously being hungry. The meaning of life is not simply to exist, to survive, but to move ahead, to go up, to achieve, to conquer.
Dane
More public service? What do you want to do?
Arnold
Help others and give something back. I guarantee you will discover that while public service improves the lives and the world around you, its greatest reward is the enrichment and new meaning it will bring your own life.
Dane
Very inspirational.
Arnold
I believe with all my heart that America remains 'the great idea' that inspires the world. It is a privilege to be born here. It is an honor to become a citizen here. It is a gift to raise your family here, to vote here, and to live here.
Dane
Yes, it is a great place. Any advice to future actors, politicians or weight-lifters?
Arnold
If you work hard and play by the rules, this country is truly open to you. You can achieve anything.
Dane
Even if you have an accent.
Arnold
In this country, it doesn't make any difference where you were born. It doesn't make any difference who your parents were. It doesn't make any difference if, like me, you couldn't even speak English until you were in your twenties.
Dane
So you think people should become more involved?
Arnold
When the people become involved in their government, government becomes more accountable, and our society is stronger, more compassionate, and better prepared for the challenges of the future.
Dane
But you have urged other politicians to renounce special interests.
Arnold
If they don't have the guts to come up here in front of you and say, 'I don't want to represent you, I want to represent those special interests, the unions, the trial lawyers ... if they don't have the guts, I call them girlie men.
Dane
So you’re warning for political opponents?
Arnold
If it bleeds, we can kill it.
Dane
That’s very strong language.
Arnold
Milk is for babies. When you grow up you have to drink beer.
Dane
Is that a training secret? Or does drinking make us fat?
Arnold
It's simple, if it jiggles, it's fat.
Dane
Yes, I could lose a little weight, myself.
Arnold
I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with Guess on it. I said, Thyroid problem?
Dane
Well, I don’t have a thyroid problem, but let me just say how exciting it has been to have you speak to us here at Abundance.
Arnold
I'll be back.
Dane
Yes, I might have to call Character Central again and talk some more. Thanks, again, Arnold Swarzenegger.
Arnold
Hasta la vista, baby.
Dane
Character Central. Where quotations from famous people are used to complete an interview with Dane Allred. All of the quotations were actually spoken or written by the subject of the interview at one time or another, but never for this interview.
LITERATURE OUT LOUD -- see and hear great literature Audio narrations with synchronized visual text
The Complete Collection of
SHAKESPEARE'S SONNETS
all 154 poems $3.99 DVD with FREE shipping
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Essential Oils -- create your own business -- click on the logo to begin
Click on the player to hear an audio version of this piece Arnold SchwarzeneggerSunday Feb 06, 2011
Tension -- a poem by Dane Allred
Sunday Feb 06, 2011
Sunday Feb 06, 2011
Tension
by Dane Allred
My teeth are clenched, my muscles tight
It’s clear that I’m uptight, all right.
Lookout when I’m in this tense mode
You never know what it might bode
My mind’s collapsing with this load
Since I’m so tense I might explode.
LITERATURE OUT LOUD -- see and hear great literature Audio narrations with synchronized visual text
The Complete Collection of
SHAKESPEARE'S SONNETS
all 154 poems $3.99 DVD with FREE shipping
Essential Oils -- create your own business -- click on the logo to begin
Click on the player to hear an audio version of this piece TensionWednesday Feb 02, 2011
Abundance Suspense Jan 30
Wednesday Feb 02, 2011
Wednesday Feb 02, 2011
This is the complete episode of Abundance called Suspense from January 30th.
LITERATURE OUT LOUD
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LITERATURE OUT LOUD -- see and hear great literature Audio narrations with synchronized visual text
The Complete Collection of
SHAKESPEARE'S SONNETS
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Click on the player to hear an audio version of this piece SuspenseWednesday Feb 02, 2011
Spading Myself
Wednesday Feb 02, 2011
Wednesday Feb 02, 2011
Dane Allred’s Rules of Engagement
SPADING MYSELF
This is not what you may be thinking after hearing this subheading. It has nothing to do with spaying, but with the common potato pitchfork, which is sometimes called a garden spade. It's like a regular pitchfork you may think of from the farm, but these pitchforks are used to harvest potatoes without too much damage, and they are excellent for loosening up compacted ground. The tines are about as big around as a finger.
I had used this particular tool for several years, and in fact had worn out several handles of past potato pitchforks. They are just too handy for loosening the ground around stubborn weeds. It works like this.
The spading pitchfork is just light enough that I can lift it up to my shoulders while sitting on the ground and thrust it into the ground in front of me with enough force to get the tines into the ground several inches. Usually I stab the ground where the weeds need pulling, and after moving the handle a bit, the ground is loose; the roots are loose, and with a simple pulling motion, a section of weeds is no more.
I have developed special muscles across my back and in my arms after stabbing this tool into the ground thousands of times every summer. I even stabbed myself in the palm once, and I think it needed three stitches. This first injury happened when a grape vine had deflected my aim for the ground, and the tines of the fork were sharp enough after the thousands of times it had penetrated dirt that it really was as sharp as a knife. The metal on the tines glows a bright silvery color from the constant sanding by the soil. But even this slight wound in my hand didn't stop me from continuing to use the potato pitchfork as my designated tool of weed elimination.
My daughter was getting married in the late summer and wanted to use our backyard for the reception. I had been slaving away trying to make the place look its best, and that included weeding where I hadn't for a few years. It was the opening night of the play "Cinderella" at the Sundance Outdoor Theatre. I was being paid to play the father of the prince, and had the unique opportunity to appear onstage in a dinner jacket, a cravat, white boxer shorts, tall black socks and slippers, reading a newspaper and ignoring my son.
That's right. I was to appear onstage with no pants. The fly of the boxer shorts had been sewn shut, and I was wearing something else under them just in case, but I guess it's time to admit that if money is involved and it's not immoral, I will probably do it. This would also explain when I picked my nose in another commercial for $300.00.
But I digress. We had been let out of rehearsal early and I knew that once the play started I would be very tired in the daytime and would probably not get much weeding done. So I determined to get some of the worst weeding over before the show that night and that included a patch where some planting pots had been sitting for a few years with seedlings in them. This had allowed the dandelions and other long-rooted weeds to really gain a foothold.
I really like working in the yard. I sell plants from my yard on EBay, and shipped over 600 packages of various plant material in the last 6 months. Mostly these are plants that are growing in the wrong place and I would be weeding them anyway, so when I pull them up I place them in a plastic bag with some loose dirt and add a little water. I seal them up and mail them on their merry way.
The best example of this is what some people call horse mint, which is really catnip. It grows in various places all over the yard, and when I see some and have sold some, I yank it up and instead of throwing it away, I turn it into cash. Even the groundcover that I sell is usually the stuff that is growing outside of the prescribed area where I want it to grow. Then it is a weed, and would probably be thrown away or burned anyway. Instead, it becomes money. It's a fun way to do the weeding in the yard.
Which brings me back to the stabbing. I have half an acre of land, and it takes most of my student-free summers to keep it under control. I can spend up to three or four hours a day in the yard and still not get done all I want to.
So when I weed, it is with a passion and energy of someone that knows it is time to get this done, and done right, and get on to other stuff. I am an intense weeder.
So there I sat in the long weeds which have had three years to grow extra deep roots. I am sitting on the ground with my spading pitchfork in my left hand, stabbing at the ground furiously and pulling the offending plants out with my right hand.
Except when they won't come out.
This weeding system works well when the plants are coming out easily. There is a problem if the weed refuses to be pulled out on the first try. This is when I usually take the top of the noxious weed in my hand, and grabbing it firmly, stab yet again with the sharpened tool of steel.
It usually works. The roots get loose and the weed comes out. But not this time.
I stabbed a little too close to my hand.
This is usually not a problem, since the blade often deflects off my hand and goes into the ground.
I was stabbing the ground so hard because the weeds were so stubborn that the blade stabbed my hand instead.
The outer tine of the pitchfork went into my right hand just above my right thumb, almost to my wrist. The blade was so sharp that it sped right under the skin and then emerged from the first joint of my thumb. Where the last knuckle of the thumb bends in, I now had a sharp steel blade sticking out of my hand about four inches.
I had really stabbed hard.
It hadn't really hurt, which I have found from extensive personal experience is usually the case with a severe injury. It did sting a bit, and the cut was clean - no blood was coming out.
In fact, the blade was firmly entrenched in my hand and as I gently tried to pull and push it a bit, my skin only moved with it. There was no blood channel like in fencing swords to allow blood to escape, and allow the stabber to extricate his blade from the stabee.
I held the blade and my hand up to the open air and admired the clean incision. I looked like one of those Freddy Krueger movies, except the blade wasn't attached to my glove; it was running through my thumb.
Time seems to stand still in these kinds of moments. I remember several different and bizarre kinds of thoughts.
Being a performer at heart and knowing I had an opening night to face later, the first words I muttered were not curses or shouts of pain. They were "Crap, I have a show tonight."
The next phrase emerged after I examined the sliced skin near my wrist. I said out loud, "Well, that only looks like 5 or 6 stitches." I had enough hands-on (!) sewing experience to know how many stitches the doctor would use.
Then two conflicting thoughts entered my mind, and I swear this is what actually happened next. I was wondering about the emergency room, but another thought crossed my mind immediately. There was going to be a wedding in this yard next month. The wheelbarrow was still sitting on the lawn, and I realized I would probably not get back to weeding for a few days. I knew I would forget to move the wheelbarrow and it would leave a big yellow mark right in the middle of the lawn.
That simply would not do. I tucked the handle of the spading pitchfork under my arm, with the blade still protruding from my hand. It was a little painful, but I endured so I could get that stupid wheelbarrow off the lawn.
I took the two handles of the wheelbarrow and lifted, a little painfully, and moved it off the lawn to the weedy patch. I kid you not. I was more worried about the lawn at this moment than the wound.
Then the other thought crowded back. I knew that the emergency room people would probably not want me to pull the tines of the pitchfork back through my hand as it would get infected. But I also knew that they would probably cut the tine off and slide it out the front of my hand. This would destroy a perfectly good spading pitchfork. I chose infection over a ruined tool.
I also had another thought as a walked over to the cement step which leads up to the patio. I could see myself arriving at the emergency room and proudly waving my arm above me and saying, "I got a potato pitchfork stuck in my hand! Can you get it out?"
I could visualize winning the "Emergency Room's Stupidest Patient" video contest, with the host playing the video over and over again imitating my voice and intoning, "Can you get it out? Can you get it out?"
It was only a few steps to the concrete step, and by the time I arrived and had played out the above scenario out in my mind several times, I was determined to get that blade out of my hand.
I put the unencumbered tines on the step and hung my hand off the side. The goal was to do this in one motion, much like yanking off a bandage. I pulled hesitantly and confirmed the holding power of steel against flesh - it felt like it was super-glued to my hand.
So I knew it would take a mighty yank to get this off my hand, and I would probably only be able to endure the pain of one attempt.
So I threw my weight into it, and locked my arm and slid the hand down and off the blade. It still didn't really hurt so bad I couldn't stand it, but for the next part I was unprepared.
The blade was off, but now two gaping holes in my hand started to pour out blood. I'm not very good with blood, even though I have a fairly high pain threshold. Especially if it is my blood.
A wave of nausea swept over me and for the first time I felt like I was going to faint. I got lightheaded and doubted that I would be able to make it up the patio stairs to the phone. A mental image washed over me -- my dead body collapsed at the base of the stairs with people standing over me shaking their heads and muttering, "Another senseless potato pitchfork death."
Blood was pooling everywhere, and I somehow made it up the stairs and opened the back door. I went to the kitchen sink and rinsed out the dirt as best I could, relishing the feel of the cold water on my flesh which seemed to be searing with heat.
I grabbed the dishtowel next to the stove and wrapped my hand up several times. I stumbled to the phone, dialed 911 and lay down on the floor.
When the operator answered and asked what was the nature of my emergency, I told her I had stabbed myself and thought I might pass out. The good news about land line phones is that they already have your address when you call. We had a man die here locally when he was called 911 on a cell phone and they couldn't find him.
The emergency operator assured me that she knew where I was, and was sending an ambulance. I told her that I would be lying in a pool of blood at the top of the stairs. I told her to tell the EMT to just come in the front door and walk upstairs. She was very comforting and kept me calm, and as I looked over at my hand, I realized I really was lying in a pool of blood.
The ambulance driver came in and took great care of me, not even laughing when I told him what had happened. He wrapped up my hand into a softball sized mound of gauze and I limped to the ambulance under my own power. Some people from the neighborhood were standing outside wondering what I had done this time, and as I emerged, I waved my giant wrapped hand at them and said I was okay. "I stabbed myself," I think I said.
I had discussed the emergency room with the EMT. I knew that if I went to the emergency room I would be late for my opening night performance. And my doctor was only four blocks down the street.
Somehow I convinced him to deposit me at the doctor's office. I'm guessing this is not standard operating procedure since they were very hesitant to let me do it, but when I insisted they walked me gingerly all the way back into the room where I would be worked on. Then they had me sign a release saying this is where I wanted to be and that I wouldn't sue them later for not taking good care of me.
I was also worried what Debbie would think when she came home and saw the blood all over the kitchen floor, but luckily my daughter Aleesa was driving up to our house when she saw me being taken away in an ambulance. Devoted daughter that she is, she followed us to the doctor's office and came right in the door.
When she saw that I was all right she asked if there was anything she could do. I asked if she wouldn't mind going to the house and cleaning up the blood on the floor. And the blood leading to the sink. And maybe the blood on the back porch. And the steps. She said she would without hesitating, and my wife was spared the sight of a bloody kitchen.
Dr. Wylie has no sympathy for my self-inflicted injuries since he usually has several at one time himself. He does rock-climbing and helicopter skiing, so we usually compare scars and stories, and I get little pity.
He went right to work, irrigating the three-inch long wound which ran just under my skin. The blade had bounced off the muscle and sinew in my hand and cruised nicely just beneath the skin to emerge at the top of my thumb. He washed it several times, but didn't sound too hopeful that we were getting all of the dirt out.
It was after all, a spading pitchfork which was often covered in dirt, and some of it had to stay under my skin. I didn't bother telling him that this particular area had once been used as a kennel by the previous owners. I guess I thought he would send me to the hospital, and I had a performance to get to.
I was right. It was six stitches on the top and three on the bottom, accompanied by a large dose of antibiotics (again). By this time I had started to feel some of the pain, but only took some ibuprofen so I wouldn't be dulled for the show that night.
He sent me on my merry way, and I made it to the call up at Sundance only about 30 minutes late. The transparent bandage on my hand wouldn't show on stage, and after showing my injuries to the cast and the directors, I was excused for being a little late. Stabbing yourself and getting nine stitches can get you excused for being slow, but don't try this at home.
To add insult to injury, I went to the vocal director and showed him my new scars. He wasn't too pleased with me being in the show anyway since I didn't have the strongest voice in the cast. I told him I didn't think I could sing that night, and he turned to me and actually said, "Could you please not sing?" I said yes, of course.
It wasn't my best opening night, but as I mouthed the words to the finale right next to audience members that night, they may have wondered why they couldn't hear this guy sing even when he was standing three feet away. I just looked at my hand and pretended to sing even louder.
When the choral director found out how lousy my voice really was, I was fired for the rest of the season. I was supposed to sing with Maureen McGovern and Christopher Lloyd in two later shows, but untrained singer that I am, I think they made the right choice. It did give me more time to get the backyard ready for the wedding. I spent the extra time stabbing at weeds with my perfectly intact spading pitchfork instead of feeling sorry for myself.
I wasn't out of the woods yet. The dirt and germs I had pulled back under my skin didn't all get flushed away, and I got an incredible infection from the wound. My arm from my elbow down began to turn black and blue, and when I showed it to the doctor two days later, he said it wasn't bruising but a raging infection.
He told me to keep taking the antibiotic pills I was taking and then went to the supply closet for a catheter. He hooked up this semi-permanent antibiotic delivery system and taped it right into the bend of my elbow. For those who have been paying attention, having needles close to me is worse than any horror flick you can name. He jabbed that giant needle into the skin and then taped it to my arm.
Getting a bag of antibiotics, he indicated we would have to do this twice a day for a few days until the infection was under control. Dr. Wylie isn't someone to mess around. When he sees a problem he deals with it right then, and doesn't take any hostages. The liquid ran into my system quickly, and then he took the bag away.
And left the needle in my arm.
As I sat staring at the needled delivery system, Dr. Wylie must have read my mind. He's heard me talk about my needle phobia enough. He said to me in his most patient and calming bedside manner, "Come back this afternoon and we'll give you some more. Let's leave the catheter in until we get this under control."
I concealed my panic. I was going to be walking around for a few days with a NEEDLE stuck perpetually into my skin. I really am a baby about this, and I am so hypersensitive about needles that I claim I can always feel the needle in my skin as long as it is there.
Logically, I know this can't be true. My body has endured enough pain to adjust quite quickly to most ailments, but I'm phobic enough to think I can feel a needle.
I was actually quite proud that I didn't faint right there in the office. I rose without fear to face several days with a needle in my arm 24/7, and left the office wondering if anyone could see the internal conflict I was experiencing. Was my face fixed into a constant grimace of pain? Or was the stoic face of resignation being presented to the world?
I actually performed a couple of shows with a needle sticking into my arm. It sounds like a trial, but realistically, I did forget every once in a while that there was a needle there. Until I moved my arm in a weird direction and a stabbing pain reminded me that I was enduring this only because I had stabbed myself earlier in the week. At that point all you can do is shrug your shoulders and think to yourself, "This too shall pass." And it does.
It was kind of cool to be able to show people the catheter, until I had to tell them the whole story about why I needed twice a day antibiotics. Then instead of feeling your pain with you, the begin to smile and wonder how a guy like me has managed to survive this long on a planet with so many sharp edges.
The only permanent damage from stabbing my hand Freddy Krueger-like is that I have two distinctive scars on my right thumb. One right on the top towards the wrist, and another just where the last knuckle bends under my thumb. I still use the potato pitchfork for gardening, but I am extra careful when stabbing at stubborn long-rooted weeds.
One more Dr. Wylie story deserves a painful revisit. I have inherited skin tabs from someone in my family, and I suspect it was probably my grandfather on my mother's side. Grandpa Hale had skin tabs all over his face near his eyes. It was really disturbing, and when I discovered them occurring on my face near my eyes, I decided to have them removed on a regular basis.
Dr. Wylie is pretty adventurous, but he enjoys this particular treatment way too much. To remove a skin tab, which is just extra skin gathered into a little protrusion, Dr. Wylie gets out his liquid nitrogen gun. He puts a little liquid nitrogen in this little evil device, charges it with a little air pressure, and goes to work with an evil grin.
Shooting liquid nitrogen onto bare skin through a little tiny hole feels just like - you guessed it - someone shoving thousands of tiny needles into your skin. There is no anesthetic involved, so you get the full effect of thousands of tiny needles undulled.
At least I don't have to see any needles; I only have to feel like there are the tiniest needles in creation all stabbing me at once.
I have to endure this unique torture every few years when new skin tabs appear, and when Dr. Wiley sees me coming, I think he is always looking for another adventure with his little gun. How often do you get chance to shoot liquid nitrogen onto someone's face and get paid for it?
After the treatments the skin turns black from the exposure to subzero temperatures and within a week the skin tab falls off. Within a couple of weeks the skin returns to normal.
I wonder why they say "Vanity, thy name is woman." It seems pretty vain to me to endure this kind of torture just so I don't have little flaps of skin next to my eyes.
Not all self-inflicted injuries lead to visible damage, or at least no permanent physical scar. After the spading fork incident, I really tried to be careful; after all, we had a wedding coming up in the backyard and I wanted to be present but not the focus of attention. My oldest daughter could do without comments like "Did you know he stabbed himself in the hand and they had to amputate his arm?" It really only took 5 or 6 twice daily infusions of antibiotic to clear up the infection, so I was feeling great. I don't know why I feel especially good after a round of antibiotics, but it's usually not worth the trouble I have to get into to get the injections. Or the pills. I really don't know how many rounds of antibiotics I've had in my life, but I think it may be above fifteen. Or maybe twenty.
The wedding went fine, and I didn't limp up the aisle with a broken foot, hand, or leg. Aleesa was beautiful and the work had been worth the pain. It's not very often you get to give your daughter away to her husband in your own backyard surrounded by family and friends, so the occasion was especially sweet.
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Click on the player to hear an audio version of this piece Spading MyselfMonday Jan 31, 2011
Experience is the Angled Road by Emily Dickenson
Monday Jan 31, 2011
Monday Jan 31, 2011
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Experience is the Angled Road
by Emily Dickenson
Experience is the Angled Road
Preferred against the Mind
By -- Paradox -- the Mind itself --
Presuming it to lead
Quite Opposite -- How Complicate
The Discipline of Man --
Compelling Him to Choose Himself
His Preappointed Pain –
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Suspense
Monday Jan 31, 2011
Monday Jan 31, 2011
Suspense
by Dane Allred
There is that moment of uncertainty
When we recognize each other from the Bright Space
That instant when our past connections
Are renewed.
But then this world interrupts that celebration
And the reality of the here and now makes us dismiss
The certainty we felt just moments before
That we knew each other so long ago in that Bright Space.
We are all here to learn what we can on our own
To learn those things we could not learn together there.
To return and share our joy, our sadness,
Our success and failure.
To share our pain, our sadness and the disappointments
Each of us had to face.
Those experiences only we can experience
To accomplish those tasks only we can accomplish.
There is that moment of suspense where the unknown is known
And we get the glimpse of all we can be,
And all that other person can be,
And all our world could be.
The moment when we hold our breath and hope for that better time
That future time we are here to create.
Suspended in that moment of suspense,
We feel the timelessness of right now extending into eternity.
In that moment of eternity stretching into our world,
And then we return to this life.
Different from the time we knew together in the Bright Space,
Where we were at peace, knowing all there was to know
And content in that knowledge.
But then we realized we could know more
If we left the Bright Space, to find our own truths.
Now we wander in what we think is our own little world,
Unaware of the time we spent together before.
Wandering in a world where we have forgotten.
Wondering what the strange familiarity is, but dismissing it
And we continue to think we are here alone and separate.
But it is our world together.
Pay close attention the next time you feel that connection.
It is the Bright Space reminding you we will all be together again.
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