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Leo

Character Central, this is Leo speakin’. Who you lookin’ for?

Dane

Could I speak to W.C. Fields please?

Leo

Just a minute. W.C.?

Forrest

You need to go to the bathroom?

Leo

No, not the water closet, you moron. Go get W.C. Fields.

Forrest

Okay Lieutenant Dan.

Leo

Stop calling me Lieutenant Dan! Just go get the old drunk.

Forrest

Yes sir, drill sergeant sir!

Leo

That nut is goin’ drive me crazy. Can I tell Mr. Fields whom is calling?

Dane

Yes, I’m Dane Allred calling for Abundance.

Leo

Abundance? You ain’t gonna get no abundance here, pally.

Dane

No, the program is called Abundance.

Leo

Oh yeah, that crazy guy who goes on and on about all the good t’ings in life.

Dane

Yes, that’s me, Dane Allred.

Leo

Well, I got your Abundance right here! Who is dis being billed to?

Dane

Can you use the same card as last time?

Leo

Let me look. Abundance, abundance, use Bill Gates lost credit card?

Dane

That would be fine.

Leo

Gotcha. Here’s W.C. Fields. But don’t talk too long cause I ain’t gonna stand here and prop him up. He’s pretty wobbly today.

Dane

Okay.

Leo

And thank you for using Character Central, your source for the formerly famous. Here’s the phone, you old booze-hound.

W.C.

Thank you my good man. It’s not a fit night out for man nor beast.

Dane

Is this W.C. Fields?

W.C.

Speaking. And how can I help you my good man?

Dane

Well, today on Abundance we are talking about organization. Do you have any organizational tips for my audience?

W.C.

Ornamentation? I’m in favor of it.

Dane

No, organization.

W.C.

Oh, organization. That reminds me, a woman drove me to drink and I never even had the decency to thank her.

Dane

So you’re suggesting making a list of people to thank? Any other suggestions?

W.C.

I never drink water because of the disgusting things fish do in it. Water; that’s the stuff that rusts pipes. Excuse me for a moment, I must have a drink of breakfast.

Dane

You don’t drink water at all?

W.C.

I never drink water. I’m afraid it may become habit-forming.

Dane

Well, speaking of habits, do you foresee a time you will ever stop drinking alcohol?

W.C.

Now don't say you can't swear off drinking; it's easy. I've done it a thousand times.

Dane

You have quit drinking before. Was there an organized program?

W.C.

Yes. Once during Prohibition, I was forced to live for days on nothing but food and water.

Dane

Any other times you’ve quit?

W.C.

Reminds me of my safari in Africa. Somebody forgot the corkscrew and for several days we had to live on nothing but food and water.

Dane

Do you have any other preferences you’d like to share with us?

W.C.

On the whole, I’d rather be in Philadelphia.

Dane

You don’t like living there at Character Central?

W.C.

No. Some weasel took the cork out of my lunch.

Dane

But, really, Philadelphia. I’ve never heard you speak well of that town.

W.C.

I once spent a year in Philadelphia. I think it was a Sunday.

Dane

Seriously?

W.C.

Oh, yes. Last week, I went to Philadelphia, but it was closed.

Dane

So, Mr. Fields, any other advice for our listeners about trying to get organized?

W.C.

If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Then quit. There's no point in being a damn fool about it.

Dane

Well, that is sound advice. Thank you W.C. Fields for speaking with us today on Abundance.

W.C.

I thought we were talking about ornamentation.

Dane

No, we’re focusing on organization on the program called Abundance. I believe in celebrating the abundance all around us.

W.C.

A man’s gotta believe in something, and I believe I’ll have another drink. And like I say, if you can't dazzle them with brilliance, baffle them with bull. Good day to you, Mr. Gates.

Dane

No, its Dane Allred, we just use this card I found…

Music interruption.

Dane

Thanks to Mr. W.C. Fields who joined us today on Abundance from Character Central.

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