Paradise Paranoia

More than 15 years ago, my wife Debbie had bone cancer. After surgeries, hospitalization and chemotherapy, she was upbeat even when she lost her hair. Now it’s been 15 years, and she’s still here and kicking. I remember back to how brave she was to go to school and teach with a fanny pack hanging around her waist. It was pumping chemotherapy directly into her heart.

Very soon after Debbie's last chemo treatment we were given a week's vacation to Hawaii by her parents. The kids weren't very old, maybe 13 and 10, and Debbie was still very weak, but we were all excited for our first trip to Hawaii.

I think it was supposed to be a time for Debbie to rest, but who knows when we would ever get back again, so I kept her entertained and tired, and after it was over she had to return home to rest from her vacation.

We stayed on the island of Oahu the entire week visiting the Polynesian Cultural Center, the Dole Pineapple Plantation, the North Shore for shaved ice, and we even went twice to Hanauma Bay to snorkel. Debbie couldn't do much more than sit on the shore and soak up the sun, which is not such a bad thing in Hawaii.

She did try to go in the water once and feed the fish, but they mobbed her and she had to get out. I was just glad she was doing better, and it was fun for the family to have some time together.

I continued my usual introspection by discovering an ingrown hair on a very disturbing place which shall not be revealed at this time. Suffice it say that any man with an ingrown hair there would freak out just as I did. I didn't want to ruin the vacation by insisting on a visit to the hospital, and it didn't seem to be spreading or causing any disfiguration, so I decided to be manly about it and wait until we returned to the states.

For all I knew, I was the victim of a special kind of cancer that no one discussed and I had never heard of before. We had been dealing with cancer for over a year now, and I think it was natural that this thought came across my mind. I almost went crazy with anticipation wondering if I would live or die.

Dr. Wylie just laughed when I finally showed up in his office. He expected it to clear up with no residual effects, and he was correct. I continue to function normally, if you know what I mean.

The other event that confirms my lack of brain cells occurred on the east side of the island away from the crowds of Waikiki Beach, thank goodness.

It was a beautiful beach which we had almost entirely to ourselves, just past the blowhole and sort of by the Buddhist temple which we had visited previously. The koi were so thick at the Buddhist temple that there seemed to be no water in the stream.

But at this pristine beach there was what appeared to be a blob of blue bubble gum marring the sands. I was quite indignant that someone would be careless enough to spit out their gum on this wonderful beach, and my indignation led me to action. I bent over and picked up the gum.

It stung me.

I was puzzled, since I had never been stung by a wad of gum before. It was one of the strangest things I have ever experienced, and with my lack of brain cells, I did the only thing I could think of.

I picked it up again.

And it stung me again. This time I threw it to the ground, which meant I threw it on my calf, whereupon I was stung again.

I was completely dumbfounded. As I looked more closely at this wad of gum on the beach, I noticed a long thin string which extended into the ocean emanating from the blue blob. Slowly I realized I was looking at a blue jellyfish, and I think it was a Portuguese Man'O'War jellyfish. Which apparently extends parts of itself out to sting unsuspecting prey like me.

I was now hurting like I had been stung in three places by a giant bee. I commented on the stings to my wife who only laughed. She had been through so much worse, and I’ve injured myself so regularly she knows better than to pity me. Someone nearby must have heard what had happened and commented that urine usually took the pain out of the sting. I immediately went to the restrooms.

I haven't picked up blue bubble gum from the beach since, and I advise you to avoid it, too.

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