Toy Gremlins

Toy Gremlins

I like being a father. It’s a really fun job most of the time, but even when you are in the middle of hard times, you are still glad to be a dad. The old saying is true, “Children are a poor man’s wealth.” I would argue you don’t have to be poor to appreciate the riches children can bring.

I’m not the world’s best dad. When we first had children, I was more interested in playing video games than bringing home formula for the baby. It’s a true story, and it doesn’t make me very proud, but I have tried to be a better father since then. My wife and I are truly blessed to be school teachers, especially since we had the same vacation days as our children. It meant we could spend not only some quality time with each other, but we could find some quantity time as well.

I have a sense of humor, which sometimes is at the expense of the kids. They like my “dad humor”, even though it usually is something stupid. For example, to keep myself entertained while driving, I like to reinterpret the road signs. If the sign says “Shoulder Work”, I usually rotate my shoulder around and say out loud to no one in particular, “Yes”. As in, “Yes, my shoulder is working fine, and I appreciate the state being interested in my health.” I take it personally when I am driving down the road and I see the sign that says “Dip”. I feel sorry for the person standing at the side of the road after I see the sign, “Dip Ahead”.

When I see the sign “Slow - Children Playing” I regard it as a cruel statement about someone’s kids, and I especially feel bad when the kids learn to read and have to be confronted with that sign the rest of their lives.

After a sample of my humor, the following story will make more sense. If you remember the movie “Gremlins”, there is a character in the show called “Stripe”. This movie is basically about how gremlins can wreck havoc on a town. The cute gremlin is “Gizmo”, but if you violate the rules about giving him water, food after midnight, or exposing him to bright light, then “Gizmo” multiplies into mischievous and dangerous gremlins, including the vicious “Stripe”.

I highly recommend this show if you haven’t seen it. Of course, my oldest daughter saw this show with us when she was three years old, and soon the toy shelves were crowded with little stuffed gremlins for parent to shower on their over-indulged children.

I was in my twenties, and not the richest dad in town, and there was no way I was going to buy one of these over-priced items for my kids. But that didn’t stop me from playing with it at the store. I did remember how frightened my daughter had been when she watched “Gremlins”, especially of the wicked gremlin called “Stripe”. I bet you can almost see where this is going.

So there we are shopping in the toy store, filled with thousands of items no kid ever really needs but can somehow convince you they can’t live without. Usually a tantrum or two is thrown in the store, which boosts sales and makes the clerks happy. But when I looked at the price tag for “Stripe”, I knew there was no way this stuffed animal was going home with us. But that doesn’t mean I can’t create a permanently scarring memory for my daughter.

She is just around the corner from me and hasn’t seen the stuffed gremlins yet. This is the daughter who complained when she got the “Snuggles” bear from the fabric softener commercial. She looked at that stuffed animal and said, “It doesn’t talk.” So let’s just say she is still in the age bracket where toys should be alive.

I grab “Stripe” by the back of his neck and get ready for the surprise. She looks trustingly up at her loving father, and what does he do? I jabbed “Stripe” in her face, and I’m sure I growled or did some stupid thing like that.

Of course she begins to scream, and continues screaming as she turns and runs right out of the store. Luckily my wife is standing nearby, and after she gives me a dirty look, she runs after our firstborn and catches up with her halfway across the mall.

What am I doing? I am paralyzed with laughter. I put Stripe back and continue to pay for this moment of idiocy even today. I reminded my wife of the story and she called me a “jerk”.

I like being a father. Even though sometimes I am a jerk.

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